Yesterday was so beautiful. I wanted to take in another few miles to run. I headed out but this morning was not as nice as yesterday. I was grateful to have run my miles yesterday. There was no air or wind blowing. It was very still. There was a little dew in the air and it looked like it might rain. I started to walk my usual path but before I could reach the main road, my glasses were covered with little drizzles of rain. I headed back home.
When I got back, I thought that I’d take a shower and get ready to go to church. After my shower, I laid down for a moment and I huge rush of emotion came over me. An intense sadness. I cried and cried. I didn’t understand it. What is going on? All I could think about was my family. I miss them. I would like to be able to talk with them, if only to tell them there is a part of me that can not talk with them right now. Not yet. Not until I am ready.
So why all this sadness? I let the tears come. There was no one else in the house. I didn’t have to think about anything else. I cried myself to sleep. During this time, I had a dream. I was with my love. He and I held each other close. We were happy. We had a little girl with us, who was also very happy. I see us, we are laying in bed, with me holding both of them in my arms.
It was hours later before I woke up. It didn’t make much sense to me what just happened except that I needed to let go of something deeper to have the things that I want. The phone rang. A friend called to tell me about challenges she was having with her father. As I listened to her, all I could do was think about was how much she and her father both loved each other. They just did not know exactly how to say, or be it, in a way that the other needed to hear. I voiced my thoughts to her. She didn’t want to hear it, but eventually she heard me. And I thought how perfectly timed that was after my little dream!
Later in the day, I did a ceremony, meditation. I burned a candle, with the intention to release and let go of past pains, anger, hurt. I meditated while the candle burned and I sat, listening for messages come to me.
- It was part of my path
- Letting go will bring my love to me and me to him
- Someone from the past asked for this in order to stop the chain The last one surprised me.
A part of me really did not understand. I did not want to. And then I allowed it and it was ok.
