My ability to create is so easy. I do it quite naturally. I recently started to create a Kabbalah study book fro myself, I tried out new exercises, I took a Zumba class, started reading ‘The Word of the Light’… This is just ‘normal’ for me, to create, to try new things. Even so, I know that doing the opposite of what we normally do is my growth. All of my life, I have placed the value of myself from my doing … whatever it is that I do. And I have become accustomed to doing a lot of things. If I am not creating, then who am I? I’ve attach that who I am to activity and creating. So, if that were all gone, then what? I still am. And I AM THAT, am I not?
A few months ago, while discussing some deeper feelings, I was sharing with someone how I wanted to be in a deep personal relationship. Through our conversation, a comment was made about how I do ‘blah, blah, blah’ so well. I was crushed! It was an innocent comment. Very complimentary in fact. Yet something about it just crushed me! Was it anything about what the other person said? No. It was my feeling that I was only of value when I created or did something! Yes, I want love. And I want it for no other reason than because I AM. I know this begins with me. So, as I release my old stories, my old patterns of thinking and fears, the happier and more creative I will be. And I will enjoy all that I desire – a very simple life and fully experiencing a passionate life… all of it!
What about the joy we are feeling when one is doing all these things? Are we truly in joy if we are doing what we believe we want to be doing, but are tired, exhausted from all the doing? Probably not. What about relaxing for me? Well, I can say that I am better than where I used to be. It used to be for me, that I would take a 2 week vacation, but it would take days for me to calm down to even relax. Not anymore. I can relax much easier now. I wish I had more of my own free time. That would be wonderful. Time just to be.
Free Time = Peace and Success
What else can I take off my plate? How still can I be? We were discussing the reasons why I would just want to be still. Still with nothing to do. With nothing going on. And while we were discussing this, I began to sit on the edge of my seat, rocking back and forth. I didn’t really notice I was doing this until it was pointed out. This was obviously a sign of anxiety. Well, then what I am supposed to do?!!! I know… slow down. Be still. Just be.
The other day, I had a conversation with someone close. As I was sharing some of my current insights and activities, I realized that she was becoming protective of me. She asked me if I trusted the people I was working with to help me through my concerns. We don’t always agree, which is probably a healthy thing. She questions me to make sure that I am clear, but I also allow her to voice her opinion and concerns. Somehow, through our years of friendship, we have been able to be honest about men, religion and spirituality, money, and other things which are typically more difficult to discuss with other people. She wished me peace, and commented that it seems to her that I have been searching for a long time. As I listened I sort of agreed, perhaps at some level. I have been searching for a long time and I imagine that I will continue to search. It’s probably just part of who I am. And I also believe that I am on the right and perfect path for me right now.
I called someone else to let them know how I appreciated something they did to support me. Her gesture was perhaps not something that most people would acknowledge as such, but for me, it was very moving to see her do something different to support me. I wanted her to know how important it was for me. Through our conversation, I shared that I was thinking about doing something – maybe sending a note to others about myself, yet not wanting to do so at the same time. Through my thinking and talking about it, she listened, just listened. She didn’t tell me to do one thing or another. She allowed me to voice my feelings, my thoughts, without yet having everything settled in my mind. And she just listened. This is such a gift and it is incredibly valuable in core relationships. It allows us to be honest, spontaneous, and supported, all while we are processing.
