I saw Hillary and Obama on TV while I was on the stairs this morning. I could not hear the sound but I watched their facial expressions and gestures. I thought about my work situation and how much we can read from each other. It’s a very political place.
Patience.
There was an illusion that existed in the past about me being very patient. All my life, people always told me I was very patient, considerate, conscientious…. If I look at it again, I’m not so sure I can agree. How can I say this? I think I was very patient in the past because underneath all of it was the desire to be accepted. It wasn’t anything that I was conscious of, it just was. However, being someone who is very creative, there are things that are just part of that personal style. First of all, I can create quite easily. I think of something in my head, I may or may not have everything figured out and I just step into it. I friend of mine always told me that he found it amazing that I can just jump into something, and then think, huh.. no what? And I just figure it out. A lot of people have commented to me over the years that I am… ambitious, creative, capable, driven, lucky, conscientious, … all very nice comments… yet all to be accepted. Actually, when I get an idea, I want it NOW. Really. Instantly. Now. Sound like a brat? Yeah.. she laughs… sometimes I can be! When I have to ‘play nice’, I can do so for a little while, and then I get bored… I submerge my impatience, which leads to passive / aggressive behavior.
Now, I will fully admit that all this was MUCH easier when I was TOTALLY CONTROLLLING! Ha, ha, ha… I can tell you, someone, anyone… what to do, how to do it, when to do, etc. Heck, I was the first born child. What do you expect? I learned to do this quite well. With a smile, coaching, helping, etc. I wasn’t mean about it, unless I was over being impatient. Then forget it, all bets are off. If I get to that point when I am totally and completely done, that means, I’ve determined the situation or reason for trying to be patient or work something out no longer exists, the only thing to do is to tell the other person(s) I’m done. There’s not turning back after this point. I believe it’s time to spend my time on something else. The energy, impatience, and all the other emotions connected to ‘the other person not following what I want’ is a waste of my time.
My hidden and not so hidden impatience may be a cause of resistance from some of the people I work with. I feel like I have been on this jerky, hurry up and wait, roller coaster ride. I’m sure my attitude and impatience leaks out of me! I have to consciously go into meetings and discussions with a pep talk to myself.
What are the benefits of this acknowledgment?
Awareness is always the first step to any transformation. If there is something I want to change, I have to first acknowledge what it is. Once I acknowledge, then I need to look at it, from the positive and not so positive aspects. I recognize that my impatience can create drama in my life by trying to be someone other than who I am. And I KNOW WHO I AM. I can accept who I am with radical self love.
How did I get here?
There was a time when I needed to be in control of my life because I had no control at all. Walls of protection came up to keep people out. It was my form of survival. I had to become controlling in order to feel safe, live on my terms. Controlling was easy. People followed what I said. I didn’t recognize it until a partner of mine called it out. He was very observant and told me how he saw other people around me. They wanted to please me, so they did what I wanted.
So happens when I things don’t do my way?
I don’t want to play. I start to feel anxious. I can get angry, inside. I don’t display angry very well outside myself. Which is probably something else I need to work on. So, I’m working on letting go. And as in any change, we move to the direct opposite. From being controlling, to being what?
My challenge is to be with others, without having to be the center of attention, and just be.
