Remember, it is during these times that one creates, initiates great change.
As I was walking into the gym David noticed that my energy was down. What? I thought I was just fine. I was trying to be anyway. What was up with me? When it comes to feelings, my two extremes are numbness and very emotional. And I am trying to find a place in the middle, but it feels very uncomfortable right now. I don’t want to go numb again. I spent too many years of my life there. Trust me, it seemed easy. Push down all of my feelings. Just get things done. I was very productive. I placed my value on it. I’m not there anymore. Then I went to another place, very emotional, feel every feeling place… where every Hallmark commercial can make me cry. I don’t cry as much any more, but it is an odd place. How do I feel for others, and still be unattached?
The reason for this sadness? Family, Work, My desires. What are the things I want? To be in a deep, loving, relationship. To have a family of our own. To be doing creative, teaching, spiritual work.
What am I feeling? Confused, missing my family, sad, alone, yet still thankful for where I am. I feel like I need to be strong, on the outside, for the rest of the world. I don’t want to let anyone in right now. Can I write about the things I want with joy? Then after I do, scream them out to the universe!
Perhaps there is no need for detachment right now. I have to be open to what my higher self chooses it to be. I want to connect, but only with those I feel comfortable with and only when I am ready. How awesome it will be when all my desires come to be. To be able to give myself to another, and he to me. To create and give such love to our children and have passion for the work I do regularly. I allow myself to bring these things into my life. When I sit with the thoughts, the images, the feelings, it is all very beautiful. My passion will bring all these things into being.
What do I want to do? We’re supposed to work out. I just want to sit. To be. To meditate. David led me through a beautiful visualization. Something that I wish to record, to play again and again.
Breath in. Out… Relaxing… Thinking about me and him.. at a place that we enjoy… the beach. We’re walking. Talking.. Laughing… We love to watch the dolphins.. the birds. I love looking at him when the sun shines so beautifully, it makes his hair shine. I love him and he loves me. We chose each other. We hold each other closer. We jump into the water. We’re like kids together… We’re at home. We are holding each other, reading. No need to fill the time, or air with conversation. We are each in our space, still connected, no matter what we are doing… We’re in bed. He’s hold our little girl. I love watching the two of them together. I am incredible happy. I am holding her in my arms, as I am getting ready to do some work. My life is flexible. She can be with me. At times, he even takes her with him. We are free and we are grounded. I am living a beautiful dream life!
I called my aunt last night. I had been thinking about her, knowing it was time to reconnect. It’s always nice to hear from her. She has a way of making me laugh all the time. She is real and reminds me of who I truly am. I told her where I was, why I needed to pull away, what I was doing to clear my mind, to fill it with positive thoughts, clear my body to be strong, to be full of positive feelings, releasing all the stuff left over from the past. She seemed to know, without me even telling her, why I had to pull away. She asked if I felt that I had enough conversations with my mom. Probably not. It was different now. I understood all that I had experienced from the past, as an adult. I am working on understanding it, feeling it, processing it as a child. Perhaps I wasn’t ready for this before. I had never wanted so much to have children. I think I knew I would eventually, maybe want them. However, now the desire to have a partner, and children and family are much more passionate and intense. I realize that this is why all of these things are coming up now. So that I can release to allow more in. I understand it, I am just in the middle of all of it.
I talk with her about writing. I told her about the article I read in a magazine about a woman who shared a journal with her mom. It made them closer. She suggests I just write, and then decide if I really want to send it or not. That’s probably good advice. I spoke with my sister. We chatted about my discussion with my aunt. I talked with her about not wanting to feel numb. She mentions that she does that sometimes… realizing that things are happening around her, yet there are no feelings involved. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, unless it’s something that we’re avoiding. It was somewhat of a surprise to hear, as I didn’t think anyone else felt this way.
I was getting ready for bed, I thanked all my guardians and angels, Jesus, Mary, and everyone above for this time in my life. I am receiving everything I want… my family, my relationship, our children, our family, my work… I release old thoughts on how I thought things should be and allow all of these things to come to me now. I AM THAT… I AM GOD…
