Focusing My Thoughts

What do I focus my mind on when I am running?
I was noticing this morning that my mind wanders on the things that I truly desire and work.  When I focus on the things I truly desire, the time flies by so quickly.  When I am focused on work, the time moves so slowly.I think that I will create an index card to place on the treadmill when I am running in the morning to give me a list of things to think about.   

What do I want?  Things that would really rock my world?
1.       I want to live a fully passionate life!
2.       I want to share a deep loving relationship with my spiritual life partner, based on complete and unconditional love.
3.       Have babies! 
4.       I want to work full or part time doing creative work that allows me to make incredible profit and maintain a flexible work schedule. 
   a.       Design and marketing high-end, purposeful jewelry, precious / semi-precious stones, platinum, gold, silver
   b.       Write, be published, create audio / video media, create a media company
   c.       Design and market my own greeting card / gift line
   d.       Create artwork to be used by me or others for their projects
   e.       Develop & deliver course / seminar work
5.       I want to be in the most fit shape for my body.
6.       I want to dance!  Perhaps even competitively later? 
7.       I want to travel to other countries, to work and play – beaches!
8.       I want to establish relationships with other guru’s to reach my desires in all areas of my life. 
9.       I want to have accountants and financial advisors who manage my financial wealth
10.    I want to build foundations which can be sustained for many generations.
11.    I want to play syncopated jazz piano.
12.    I want to build relationships with artists and other creative minds around the world.  

What gratitude do I have for the work that I have now?
I am grateful that I have the freedom to be able to do the personal work with my current work.
I am grateful that my work load allows me to be flexible with my time
I am grateful that I have time to write or process this work with my flexible work
I am grateful that I can live my personal life with some privacy and balance
I am grateful that I have the time to do all my dreaming!!!
I am grateful to be here right now

Something to remember…People who find happiness let go and do all to let go to clear it.
Slow down, do this first. 
It’s really easy for me to create, so I need to slow down to stay centered. 
Get more specific about what I want…
1.       I want to live a fully beautiful and passionate life!
§          I love my time / freedom to do as I choose, living in love, with joy, to do as I wish during each day. 
§          I love knowing that there is time for me to work, play, to have some time alone, time with my love and time with our kids. 
§          I love that he and I choose to create our lives together. 

2.       I want to share a deep loving relationship with my spiritual life partner, based on complete and unconditional love.                               
“The two of you will be a sacrament, a sacred sign of love living in the midst of this world; a love without limit or conditions, a love that is patient and kind, and indeed reflects the very life of God.”
§          I love how we mutually choose to be with each other, loving ourselves and each other, completely and unconditionally as we are.   
§          I love that we are perfect for each other, as we both have the understanding that we are complete and whole individuals, with the personal freedom to live fully, and we choose to share that freedom with each other.
§          I love that we enjoy being with each other – we laugh, we joke around, we speak honestly and openly about dreams and joys as well as fears and challenges.
§          It’s easy to say I love you, when things are easy.  But it’s equally important to be able to discuss things when they are challenging and still love each other after the experience.  I love how we understand that and nurture ourselves and our relationship. 
§          I love that we create the deepest, most loving, most intimate relationship that either of us has ever experienced.
§          It’s easy to trust when we have consistency in our words, our actions, our intent.  Our intimacy grows as our life experiences unfold and we can share it together. 
§          I love how we know how to read each other, understanding when to give the other the time and space to work through things on their own, and knowing when to push or ask if it would be ok to share.
§          I love that we both know that we each have little idiosyncrasies that are a part of who we’ve come to be, and we laugh and let go because we know the essence of the one in front of us, when we look into each other’s eyes, are simply love, complete and unconditional. 
§          We both love touching each other – with our eyes, our smiles, our fingers, holding hands, soft caresses, big hugs, little kisses and really wet ones too! 
§          I love how we can be creative with each other physically, intimately, finding ways to give love, again, again and again in new ways, focusing on giving to each other.  Sometimes we are more playful, at times full of raw physical passion, other times deep intimate love and spiritual connection.  I love that we can move through these comfortably knowing that no matter what, we are safe, we are honest, we are loved.  §          I love that we both honor and respect each other and our relationship.  I love how we make time to deepen it on all levels – emotionally, intellectually, physically, spiritually, creatively, financially, musically.
§          I love it when we dance together – wildly, full of fun and laughter, slowly, softly, sometimes with or without music, at home, unplanned, on the sand, under the stars, wherever we are together – it is our foreplay to our foreplay.
§          I love that we are incredibly comfortable with each other, with the normal humanness of each other. 
§          I love how we spontaneously take off for a long weekend away from the rest of the world.  It’s our gift to each other. 
§          I love that we are on each other’s side, always. 
§          I love how we create more for each other – great ideas for what we do, inspiring each other to follow our heart’s desire, supporting each other to see our individual dreams and relationship dreams come true.

3.       Have babies! 
§          I am so excited to see our babies.  I know that they are coming, how ever that is.  They are already loved more than they know. 
§          We call her Bella, which means beautiful.  
§          She is beautiful, joyful, witty, playful, and a blessing full of surprises.
§          She makes us smile all the time.
§          She loves to hug and be close to us. 
§          She loves to sleep on his chest.  He loves to take more naps now. 
§          She loves to play with us on the beach. 
§          She’s really smart and picks up on everything really fast.  I don’t have names for our other children yet.  He and I have some ideas, which we will determine at the appropriate time.    

4.       I want to be in the most fit shape for my body.
§          I run, I dance, I am incredibly strong.
§          I wear a red, sleeveless, wrap, size 4 dress.  My hair is dark brown, long, flowing with very soft waves.        
My makeup is flawless.  My teeth are perfect. 
§          My body is soft and graceful.
§          I see my love looking at me when I walk into a room, and I am blissfully happy because I know that I we choose to be with each other
§          I see other people noticing me when I walk into the room.  Suddenly, the see us and feel our connection, our eyes locked upon each other, smiling as we walked toward each other, excited to get to the point when we kiss and hold each other close. 

5.       I want to build relationships with artists and other creative minds around the world.

Stronger In Only 45 Days!

My strength increase in the last 45 days, using the super slow training method:
I have worked with various trainers in the past, but nothing is more efficient and more effective than this method. I do 60 minutes of cardio each morning.  At lunch time, I train for another 20 minutes.  That’s’ it!  The 20 minutes however, is intense weight, at a very slow pace…. For a 10 second count up, then another 10 second count down.   Trust me.  Our body does not want to feel this intense level of weight.  Therefore, I recommend a few things to assist you.  First, don’t try to count reps alone in your head.  You’d be fooling yourself.  Because of the intensity of the weight, our body and our mind want to speed up the count.  So you train more effectively with a training partner. Second, don’t’ look at the amount of weight.  When you first start out, the numbers may really surprise you, so let your partner establish the amount of weight.  They can check in with you based on your performance. 
Then lastly, this is something I have come to do to help me concentrate, close your eyes.  It may seem different at first, but if you try it, you will find that your concentration, without all the distractions about the gym, will allow you to do even more weight at the correct pace. 

How am I using my voice differently?
Career – Speaking up more about my thoughts, observations about our work, projects, etc.
Friends – Noticing that I want more time on my own, and it’s okay that I can pull away.  My friends have not changed.  I have.  So, I must be conscious of how much time I spend, and who I spend it with.  I can already see that my choices and actions are changing, focusing again on how to stay centered on myself. 
Family – I’m not worrying about taking care of other’s responses while I am in the process of my own work.  This is a big change for me, as I have always managed these in the past.   Patience or lack thereof…
How can I use people’ personalities for my growth? 
I am using my patience, which appears to be less than before to not be bothered by everyday situations.  As change goes, it still feels unnatural, or fake, but I am working through it.  I am also letting go of making them some label – less than, uncommitted, etc. – because again, they have not changed, but I have.  This is just another experience to move through to be able to help someone else who may find their self in a similar experience down the path. 

How do I do this without being a doormat? 
There is a fine line with this, that I think I still need to practice. 

Travel a Realm of Emotions in Just One Day

I reached one of my goals this morning… Walk/ run for 60 minutes, walking 2, running 2!  I was sitting in a business meeting this morning, which started quite slowly.  I noticed that we discussed various topics which seemed to take a long time to reach decisions or resolutions.  The discussion was really beginning to bother me.  I thought about how these were not rocket science decisions, why it is taking to long to grasp the information, to reach understanding, to make decisions, to define the needs?  By the half way mark of our allotted time, I wanted to push and drive the discussion otherwise we would meander on and on!  This impatience has begun to permeate in various areas.  Even light social conversations seem mundane now, that all I wan to do is pull away from the world!   It’s interesting how focusing on staying centered makes a lot of things seem mundane.  I continue to want to pull back from people.  All this crazy chaos, disorganization, will continue to happen until someone / everyone chooses to play a different game.  There is a part of me that wants to ‘fix’ this.  Tell them what to do and how to do it.  That’s been my mode in the past.  Then I get sucked into things more and more.  Now, it just annoys me and I have to find a way to not let it bother me so much.  After walking away from the meeting, I thought about commitment, determination to do something, and then I realized the reason why I was so frustrated.  Everyone participates at varying levels in whatever they are involved in.  I’m playing at a level that’s been right for me.  It has not been the same for some of the people that I have been interacting with.  Do I need to fix it?  No.  It’s not mine to do.  I can just let these things go.  I was about to bring up comments from last night’s writings when David asked me, a very simple question.  There was a woman who is considering doing this type of work.  It’s entirely up to me, but would I consider sharing my experience with her?    What followed was something that came as a big surprise.   
   I heard his question.  I stopped.  I just looked at him.  No.  You’re kidding right? 
   He asked again, still my option to do it or not.
   No.
   Ok.  He asked what would the benefits be, whether it was me or someone else, to share something with someone who was considering doing something someone had experienced?
   I don’t know.  What?   I don’t care what the benefits are.   No.  I thought, very angrily, are you kidding me?
   Kinder, with a smile, he asked again, reminding me how I was resisting, how I’d moved through other things I was resisting.  I honestly did not hear all of his words.  He finally stopped and just watched me.
   I stopped again.  I looked at him and told him that I was so pissed at him right now.  I must have had daggers coming out of my eyes.
   He looked a little confused by my response. 
   I looked around the room.  In an instant, the anger grew and grew inside of me. 
   He asked me what was going on.
   I could not believe he was asking this.  He must have no idea how difficult this is for me.  Has he not been listening to me?  Are you crazy?  I’ve already given you all of my reasons!   
     - This is an anonymous blog!  
     - I just recently shared this link with people I felt safe with! 
     - I just said no!    We were both quiet.  
   Again, he looked at me and asked me again what was going on. 
   I looked back with such anger and hurt.  God, isn’t it obvious!  You apparently don’t understand, haven’t been listening, don’t care about how I feel…What do you mean what’s going on?  I already told you NO!
   Yes, he knew that, but he also knew that my reaction has nothing to do with what he asked.  Can I look deeper and figure out what is going on?
   I was quiet.  There was absolute stillness.  Silence.  Nothing. 
   I cried.  I don’t feel safe.
   What was it that didn’t feel safe?
   I didn’t want to talk with him anymore.  I wanted to run away.  I wanted to crawl on the floor and hide.  I wanted to hate him for not knowing that this was going to make me feel this way.
   I don’t feel safe saying anything to her.  Who is she anyway?  Forget it, I don’t care about her anyway! She’ll get whatever she is supposed to get from this work herself if she decides to do it.  This is my stuff.  I’m doing this for me.  I don’t feel like doing anything for anyone else right now!    Ok.  Calmly, with a smile he asks me to think about what this is.
   Again, I looked back with such anger, hurt, betrayal, my thoughts continuing to stir around… you don’t understand. 
   You must not really care about me.  You don’t care about how I feel.  This is scary.  I told you that!  I don’t want to do it.  I told you all of these things!  Why are you still asking me to do this? 
   He points out that he did give me the option to say no, it was my choice. 
   Yeah, but then you asked me to give you the benefits.  Now, I feel like I’m supposed to do something that I don’t want to do!  I was crying.  God, I wish I could run away from this!  Was there a place on the floor where I could shrink into a ball and just go away?  I just want to be alone.  Away from him!  How could he be so cold, heartless, not understanding of what I am feeling?
   We sat quietly.  He advised me not to run.  He reminded me to work through it.  It was the path to growth. 
   I cried.  I fidgeted.  I crossed my arms.  I uncrossed my arms.  I didn’t want to look at him.  I looked around the room.  There was no place to hide.
   He just waited for me to say something.
   I stated again… I don’t know what this is.  I just feel sacred.  I feel like I was asked to expose myself. 
   He reminds me that people see me come into the gym everyday.  How anonymous am I?
   Ok, now I really hate you.  I hated that comment!  So what!  I don’t care!
   What do I really feel like?
   I feel like I am being told to do something I don’t want to do.  I feel out of control.  

   Ah, there it is.  When from the past have I felt this?
   My childhood.  Growing up.  I didn’t have control. 
   Yeah, and now you’re pissed?
   Yes, I’m really pissed off!
   Ok, we’ll it’s ok to be angry.  He asks if I think I can be angry.
   I just sat and cried.  I couldn’t move.  I don’t know how to be angry. 
   He asked if I could say “I am angry.”
   I am angry.
   Can I try to say it louder?
   I AM ANGRY!   I am REALLY Angry!
   Ok?
   I’m ok. 

This dialog took a long time.  For me to process it, for me to feel everything I was feeling, for me to move through it.  It was good that we took all that time so that I could release that stuff!  I needed to move through it.  Logically, I know that his role was to push me.  It’s why I chose to do this work.  He reminded me that he was not a threat to me. I smiled and said I knew, but at that moment, I really thought he was.  Yes, he could see it on my face.  He both laughed.  I know that he’s totally on my side to help me move through all this crap.  It was exhausting!   Afterward, we continued to train and did my upper body work.  I pushed a lot more weight.  I must really be angry!  Ha, ha…  In my car, I wanted to scream to let go of some of the draining, negative energy.  I screamed.  And then I started to laugh!!!! It’s amazing what the mind can put us through. We discussed how this was part of the path of the bodhisattva.  At the moment, all I could think of was Crap!  Not again.  Whose idea was this again?   

Go ahead and be angry. 
Can I get angry for the stuff in the past and release and let go of it?  Yes.
Am I angry at myself?  No, I laughed, I love myself now! I don’t know if this conveys the depth of my anger, fear, distrust I felt during this conversation.  I do know that the emotions came so quickly and unexpected.  All from one harmless little question!  Why do I think it came up?  Last night, I was journaling about my intention to let go of all pains from my childhood.  So I guess I should not be so surprised.  I hadn’t made the connection though until I was asked.  Now that I have moved through this, I know that I can move through other things as well.  

I decided to meditate later in the evening to calm me down.  During meditation, I felt thoughts coming up pulling out.  Then I’d go back, deep into it again.  As thoughts came, I pushed them away, noticing them, then going back into meditation.  I while I was meditating, when a thought came, I kept telling myself to calm down.  For some reason, I didn’t feel that I was getting to a deep enough place.  At the end of meditation, someone asked if the loud noises from outside the room interrupted my meditation.  I thought, how interesting!  I didn’t even notice those things.  I was actually much deeper than I thought.  It is all in my mind! This extreme, explorative, centering work is very unpredictable.  If we are ready to deal with our stuff, then no doubt we get opportunities to move through them, if we choose.  It’s not easy, to say the least, but from my perspective it’s worth every moment.  Who would have guessed that I could move through a wide range of intense emotion all in one day?  And in the end be totally in love the entire experience.   I trust that whoever is reading is also enjoying their journey.  Namaste.    

Dealing with the chaos

How would one transition from dealing with chaos in chaos to dealing with chaos in a more centered (not perfect) state?
- separate myself from the circumstance
- remember the circumstance is temporary, not core to who I am
- notice “ah… situation”
- affirm “I want to be centered in the midst of this craziness”
- don’t worry about “the should’s” and it’s ok to get angry, frustrated, etc… for a few moments, then snap out of it!
- stay in touch with the core people who help us stay centered on

our self

 

 Illusions

Be aware of my illusions.  Keep in my mind the things that I want… push myself to the point that I think it’s hard, that I can’t go any further.  Then push again.  Keep doing this. 

Leaders never have a bad day in public.  It’s ok to share this with your core, and hold an illusion with others.  There is a reason why we have our core people. 

Race Walking

I walked 7 miles, with someone who is a race walker.  While we walked, he gave me tips on how to train myself with this method.  This is a very different form of walking.  He provided technical instructions on how to make sure I was walking efficiently, and hitting all muscles for this technique.    How to do it… Walk leading with the heal of your foot, rolling forward on your foot, pushing off with your toes.  As you do this, leave your knee straight until you’re about to push off.  This places the work of walking on your legs and glutes.  Swing your arms forward and back with your elbows close to your body, moving forward so your hands, held in a light fist with your thumbs on top.  Do not move past the forward center line of your body.  Your elbows, when moving back, will bring your hands close enough to your body so as to brush slightly against your hip.  Better posture, increased walking speed, efficient use of core muscles and more are why many like this style of walking. My walking partner says that when performed at about 70% of our highest heart level speed, it will tone our core, our shoulders, arms, legs, without putting extra pressure from impact to our body, and knees.   For the first couple of miles, I was not sure that I was doing this correctly.  I thought that I should be exerting more effort.  However, as our miles increased, I felt my muscles begin to feel used up.  I made sure that I continued to hydrate as much as if I were running.  I think I paid so much attention to form, and water that I forgot to take any electrolytes or gu.  By the time we were close to our ending point, my muscles were definitely feeling this workout.  After our walk, I did my normal stretching, which is so important after a long period of running and this type of exercise.   Later in the day, my muscles still felt the workout.  It is an amazing thing to feel this much and not put your body through so much impact.

What’s Inside

I was thinking about the conversations with my core people.  Is there something I wish to share, that they don’t already know?  There is something that I think I want to share with each them.

I realize more and more, that the reason I am at this place now is because I wanted to come out of my hiding place.  There many times in my life that I was scared.  To the world, I could look so put together, look like I had everything handled, yet I know the truth.  I was scared to be real.  When things were really tough, I would ‘go-away’ then and try to clean things up.  I realize too, that my financial situation, fear of loosing the houses, loosing so much money, feeling like a failure, was very overwhelming.  That finally, that overwhelming place, the feeling registered old feelings and thought in my body, ones I felt as a child. 

When I was kid, I wanted to run away.  Eventually, I did… it’s why I left home at 18.  I couldn’t be there anymore.  That became my way to cope.  Why am I telling you this now?  If you look at these writings, it may seem that I have reached a very good place.  And I have.  Yet, there are also moments when I still feel scared.  And I am wondering if you will help me?  If there are times when I seem ‘far away’, will you ask me?  I’m not asking you to monitor me.  I’m only saying that it’s ok to ask or say what may seem uncomfortable.  As I continue to do more of this work, I expect that I won’t be much this way anymore.  It’s just where I am right now.  I’m getting to a place where I can begin to trust myself more and more.    I saw movie a few weeks ago, with Tim Robbins, ‘The Secret Life of Words’.  It’s a story about a woman, somewhat mysterious, who is trying to forget her past.  She volunteers to take care of someone, who is temporarily blind.  Through their interactions, he questions her about who she is, really is.  Eventually, her willingness to share, especially about the things that she was never able to talk about, changed both of their lives.  The conversations she had with herself, the characters that came up in her mind, the words, became happier and she did too.  The film was inspired by the work of the International Rehabilitation Council for Tortured Victims. In the film, the main character experienced mental, physical, and emotional abuse during the Bosnian war.   In the film, they make reference to things such as this, war, and how quickly we forget.  When one is not directly affected, as outsiders, sometimes we want to forget, perhaps not consciously, because we don’t want to see the pictures, hear the stories, of people being hurt.  When we are directly affected, we want to forget, to get the thoughts and pictures out of our minds, the feelings out of being, the negative energy total away from us.  Through all my years of personal work, I never envisioned having to feel this way again.  It’s not as much as what had consumed me for a while.  It still comes back a little bit.  I’m getting better with just sitting with it, and not running away from it when it does.  Perhaps, one day it will all go away.  I continue to play in my mind what J said to me one day, ‘Maybe it’s just one more time’.  Yes, one more time, I believe.

After reviewing this with David, we discussed the thought of being monitored.   If my pattern from the past has been to run, to hide, to take of things by myself, not asking for help, then I need to do something different, which is ask others to check in with me.  This feels uncomfortable as thoughts of being needy, of not being in control, of asking people to help seems like it would be a burden in some way, and that is the last thing that I want to be.  In addition to checking in with me, then I’d also like them to push me to be really honest with them.  It’s a great intention to think that I can take care of things on my own.  And I can.  But what happens if I can’t.   I wish I could stay in the blissful state, like during and after meditation, or after reading something like ‘I Am That’.  I need to feel comfortable with the reality that I will flip back and forth / in and out of this bliss.  Just be in the moment, no matter what it is.  Can I be in this feeling of grace while still experiencing some really tough challenges?  Yes.  One moment at a time.   Intentions
Is intention alone enough?  Some might have you believe that.  However, it’s not until we are clear about our intention, have gratitude for what we have and then most importantly, take steps to do the work, show up to the plate, walk the path, that our desires come to be.    What things can I do on a daily basis, different from what I am doing now, would I need to do, in order to generate the success that I want in all areas of my life?
- emotional:  scream,  talk with my family (instead of email) about where I am and what I am doing- physical/ exercise:  visualize me in the body I want for myself, take classes (spinning, zumba, dance, step, aerobic, etc) anything with other people because I would be just fine without others around while I do these things, do free weights instead of using machines, swim
- financial:  write down where I am in all my accounts, and make a plan to change it
- spiritual:  lessen my spiritual practices, go a couple of weeks without these practices, silence for periods of time (faith and knowing that all I have done so far would need to sustain me)
- relationships:  talk with my core as stated above, talk with my family (instead of email) about where I am and what I am doing
- career:  create a plan for my team, then talk to a couple of people about this plan
-  intimate relationship: can’t forget this one, although i;m not sure this is the right time to be thinking of this.  Next week, we will discuss which area we will focus on to change.  One thing at a time.   The path of the Bodhisattva is pushing ourselves through this path.  As I am able to push through these things, any thing that might come up in my life, will be something that I can move through easier.  Then, I will be able to help others as well, even if only with providing an honest feeling of understanding and compassion.

Deepening My Core

Ham-sa    I AM THAT
It’s been in my mind… all day… the more this is, then this will start to seep into the complete and unconditional love of myself.  The more often I go here, the more I will start to believe, to really believe it.  When we are centered, then doing things like setting boundaries, not putting up with other people’s stuff, etc all begin to seem like little things.  We start to think we can do anything we wish!  Relationships shift.  And it will all be okay.  There is a feeling of respect and honor for the self, that will cause natural shifts in others.  Those who are not able to treat us with this same respect and honor are pulled away from us and we from them.  This can cause ripples and waves in our life.  Things going through a period of change, shift.  The relationships that we used to hang on to, those that no longer serve us, will dissipate out of respect for ourselves.   

This afternoon, I had another opportunity to choose me over other things.  Additional requests to be a part of helping organizations grow has been something I love to do.  I thought about it more and more, as some organizations tug at my heart more than others, and now, the right thing to do for myself, is to pull away, to focus on me, to get my head clear, to stay centered on me.  It’s interesting how opportunities continue to come forward, giving us a chance to restate our commitment to ourselves.   Physical – This afternoon’s workout was tough but worth it.  I increased 15 lbs from the last time with my shoulders!  My chest weights have increased as well.  I feel like I sort of have real abs now, you know, just aware that they are there and strong.  As we continue to do the super slow training program, I realize that there is no one around that matters, or is of concern that my own body, when I am at the gym.  I used to feel so much more self conscious.  When I’m really pushing, I let out funny noises, or I close my eyes, or I struggle, trying to make it through by moving my body in odd ways.  All of these things in my head!  Now?  Who cares?  It’s just the way I do it!   

More on my core…
What would the benefits be of contacting them and telling them something intimate about me? 
A goal, dream, action, fear, insecurity?  - They would know more about me- I would know that I could really do this, be more open, vulnerable, not be concerned so much about their reactions- I would know if they could really be my core people- I get to practice being more vulnerable- I would be showing them, as a role model, what it’s like to be this vulnerableWhy would someone not do this? - holy crap!  That’s why… be this open… with more????- a concern that it may change the relationship:  to be really great, no change at all, or to fall apart- I might be judged

Is it worth it?  Yes.  Why?  No matter which way it lands, I will know if they can, or will be my core.  If for whatever reason they can not understand, it may not yet be time to say they are not my core people.  I need to give them time to be themselves and sit with whatever it is I need to share.  If however, I get to a point that I am sharing, and there are a few times they pull away, can’t be with whatever it is that I share, then it may be time to decide they are not my core.  What will I say to each? There is someone who doesn’t know much about my past, things I did that I am not very happy did.  It made sense at the time and I know why I made my choice.  I was scared and fear took hold of me more than anything.  There is someone who has a very different view of spiritual life.  As I deepen mine, I want to be able to share all of this with my core, even if they don’t associate with that part of their self.  I don’t expect everyone to agree with me.  And they have even challenged me at times, which has been great, not bailing me out either.  This allows them to be authentic with me, as I am authentic with them. 

How is deepening the relationships to my core an example of complete, unconditional love with myself? Being authentic, not having to worry about pleasing someone, to feel accepted, just being real, being as I wish without self judgment, without fear of judgment, no more hiding, – shows my spirit, soul, self that all parts of me are worth loving.  No matter how it looks to the outside world, I am worthy of love.How will I set up my conversation?
“… I’ve been sharing with you parts of my life that I’ve been more vulnerable to sharing.  And though I have shared a lot with you in the past, I am choosing to be even more open with you.  I am enhancing the way I live my life.  You are someone that I trust being honest and real with.  I more real I am with you, when I share my goals, dreams, fears, insecurities, etc. , the more real I am with myself, and the more love I have for myself.    There were some things I with held from you in the past because I didn’t think you’d understand, weren’t interested in hearing, and I thought I would be rejected in some way.  Those things aren’t as important to me anymore, only to be honest about them….”  

Core, Complete and Unconditional, I AM THAT…

I was so full of love this morning.  I had a great sleep and felt peaceful.  When asked how I was, I just replied very peacefully, ‘ I am good.  I’m just fine’.  With a smile on my face, with no great need to show extra enthusiasm, it was just so.   

Core Relationships
Who are they?  The people we can talk with about anything.  There is no need to edit, to protect, to feel ashamed… These people accept us as we are.  They may not always agree with us.  They may not always understand us.  We don’t need to give them an ‘out’, because when we are in this place with these people, we know we can just be ourselves, ALL of it, no matter what it is.   If we compartmentalize our conversations, our sharing, then we are really hiding.  Is there someone, at least one, person in the world that knows everything about us?  Of course it would be difficult for them to know all of our thoughts.  We can share our experiences, our high points, our challenges too.   
Solidifying my core
Some thing to say to them might be
     I’ve been sharing with you parts of my life that I’ve been more vulnerable to sharing. 
     Now, I’m choosing to be even more open with you.
Then we can be totally open, vulnerable and raw.    

When I defined my complete and unconditional love, I spoke about how I can feel my body.  I touch the sides of my body, my back, my waist and I can feel it firming up.  I touch my shoulders, my arms, I can feel the shape of muscles.  I’ve reduced my body fat.  My posture has improved as I walk with my back slightly arched.  I am more confident, comfortable when I walk into the gym, a room, any place.  My strength level increases each time I work out.  My ability to run   Last night I read, “I AM THAT” by Swami Muktananda.  He provides information on the Ham-sa mantra.  It is a very concise read about connecting with our God Self within.  As we breathe in “ham”, then out “sa”, we are breathing the life force of the universe, the energy of creation, a power so powerful that when we pay attention we realize we become more connected to the “I” of our soul.   I don’t know if I can describe how I felt after the book… bliss… respect… honor… for that within me… and that within you… if you get a chance to read it, perhaps you will know. 

Relationships, Cash, Gratitude, Love

Relationships
What is challenge or issue?  What is the solution for this challenge / issue?
It’s interesting to look at my relationships – current and past – from this point of view…and to be honest about how they started.   In personal relationship, there were a couple of guys who I felt absolute acceptance.  We weren’t trying to fix anything, we were needy of anything, we went in with no expectations.  We started out as friends.  There was a “natural flow” between us.  Nothing about these relationships seemed ‘hard’ or ‘difficult’.  And in all honesty, even difficult conversations felt safe to discuss.  

The majority of my other personal relationships were started by me looking for acceptance.  So, what I drew towards me were men who needed to be a certain way, to help them in some way, while we both tried to ‘fix’ each other.   The couple of relationships that weren’t so ‘requiring’ or ‘conditional’ ended on a mutual basis.  Yet, as time passes, whenever I see or speak with these two, it is as if time has never passed at all.  We just pick up as old good friends do.  Our conversations starts openly, and we share whatever we share.  Accept each other as we are, even today.  No other agenda.   

The other relationships truly ended when the relationship ended.  My role in those relationships as the enabler, who allowed their neediness to continue was my addiction.  They became sort of like my projects.  This may sound cruel, but it is true.  I could see someone’s potential and could envision wonderful things for them.  Yet, this was not my life or role, but theirs.  Eventually, my wanting to fix, to help, to inspire, etc. gets old, tiring, frustrating.  My energy gets drawn and I’m not happy in the relationship.  It’s served no one, either one of us.   I think that partners know when things are starting to shift.  We sense it from each other.  The discomfort causes us to act differently, to just ‘be’ different.  When I start to pull away to look at things and get clear about what I want, and how I want, then things become obvious clear.   

I told my last partner that I didn’t think things were supposed to be so difficult.  This is not to say that I don’t want to work through challenges and difficulties.  Even with the two relationships in which I felt complete acceptance, we worked through some very deep and difficult challenges.  However, if we loose ourselves, our true selves, in the process of creating a relationship together, and the relationship and your soul / true self are in a place of difficulty the majority of the time, then I think it is a call from our soul for us to pay attention.   The lesson for me is to recognize this type of relationship.  It is to notice it sooner, earlier in the relationship, which I did in the last relationship, but pay attention and choose ‘me’.  Don’t stay so long to figure it out.  Talk about it.  See if there is any way to resolve it between the two of us.  See if there is a willingness to resolve it.  If not, then it’s time to change.   

Anonymous blog
Am I being honest, real?  Yes.  When we tell the truth in one arena, then we are able to tell the truth in other arenas.  As we expose ourselves in one area of our life, it opens things up for us to be able to expose ourselves in other areas of our life.   The draw to those who need my help, who want to be with me because they need something, is a highly addictive relationship.  My responsibility in the relationship, was that I enabled this behavior and allowed it to continue.   
Look for relationships where people need me and I choose not to help them
Look for relationships where people don’t need me to help them, to be something else for them
Look for relationships where I am accepted as I am Complete, unconditional love of myself is…
Understanding.  Gentleness.  Awareness of my feelings.  Awareness of my thoughts.  Awareness of my body.  Following what feels good to me.  Following what makes me happy, peaceful.  Knowing that I can not make anyone else anything, and they can not make me anything.  Recognizing when my spirit, child within, needs something, then being with it and choosing the path that serves me.  Maintaining that this energy is the only type of energy I wish to share with another.  Loving.  Completely.  Unconditionally.    I AM… I AM THAT… I AM GOD   

Cash
I have not been with cash, real paper cash, very much in a long time.  I had gotten used to “swiping” for everything, debit, credit, internet payments, etc.  With technology comes the disconnection to the energy of money.  The way that I am managing my accounts now, I need to carry more cash around with me.  And it’s FUN!  I enjoy seeing how money flows from me to someone else and back to me.  The energy of money is strong, flowing, and fun if we allow it to be.   David’s lecture – “Slow Down” Create the Life You Absolutely Desire through the Power of Your Thoughts
We already know this stuff… this is just another reminder…  
The largest, greatest addiction = attraction or addiction to negative thought
“We become what we think about all day” – Buddha 

What thoughts are holding me back from experiencing what I want?
- undeserving, unworthy
These were the old labels, past thoughts… like you’re not the tallest one, you’re not the prettiest one, you’re not the smartest one.  When these thoughts come in, I just need to think ‘those were past thoughts.  I used to believe them.’  It’s important not to pretend that was the way I felt, believed, thought.  Then replace it with what I am.  I am the perfect size for me.  I am pretty.  I am smart.  I am smart and pretty and the perfect height for me. 
- I don’t know how, or I haven’t figured out how or I don’t have a plan yet
This comes from the controlling part of me.  I sometimes feel the need to have it all figured out to be able to execute all the necessary steps to achieve a goal.  I can now release and just say, ‘ok God.  Would you show me what I want?’ and then opportunities appear that allow us to check in and get us closer to knowing exactly what I want.
- if someone else would change, then I’d be happy, better off, etc
I work with some people who have a ‘war-like / we got to win over them’ attitude to getting things done.  I would rather get everyone together, to align, so we can move toward goals together.  What if I released the idea that someone else has to change?  What if they are put into my life for me to grow?  How can this affect the relationship?  In my future interactions with these people, I will see if I can release this energy from myself and see how the relationships shift.
- fear of failure, then why try so then it that manifests failure or no effort
My aspirations are high.  The type of relationship that I want in my life, the type of work I want to do, the amount of money I wish to create, the foundations I want to build, the family life I wish to share with my partner… all wow!  Expect miracles.  Yes!  I have already experienced miracles in my life.  Expect more.  It reminds me to re-read ‘The Dream Giver’, written by Bruce Wilkinson. 
- underlying thought of the single person who was with someone, which when divorced ended their relationship
The key here is underlying thought.  Our underlying thoughts will influence our behaviors.  It’s just a natural occurrence.   So I must be very mindful of my thoughts knowing that this is where manifestation begins. 
- the thought is too good to be true, unattainable
My aspirations are high.  The type of relationship that I want in my life, the type of work I want to do, the amount of money I wish to create, the foundations I want to build, the family life I wish to share with my partner… all wow!  Expect miracles.  Yes!  I have already experienced miracles in my life.  Expect more.  It reminds me to re-read ‘The Dream Giver’, written by Bruce Wilkinson.   Steps
1.  Be aware – what are my greatest fears?  Talk / write about it.
2.  What do I do with this thought?                 
     The tenants of Buddhism               
     a.  Life is suffering / challenging / filled with obstacles               
     b.  Our suffering is due to our attachments that life should be different from what it is (fighting with reality)               
     c.  The way out of suffering is acceptance that life is as it is                               
          - What in my life today, if is said “Ah… (challenge) would radically change?                               
          - Note when I had a spontaneous healing (emotional release)               
     d.  Nirvana / bliss is available to all who follow this path (practice immediately, quickly, as soon as we are clear) 

Power of thought vs. time
If we bring time into the thought, we are setting our selves up.  If will take me ‘x’ time to reach this goal – then this becomes the reality.  However, millionaires and other successful people, have a pattern.  We’ve heard from so many that the first million took a long time.  If they lost it, all or most, the next time doesn’t seem to take them so long to create it.  I have lost weight in the past.  This time won’t take me as long because I’ve done it before. I’ve created businesses before.  This time won’t take me as long since I know a lot more this time.  I’ve built up a huge financial new worth.  This time won’t take me as long at all.  

Core people
During the discussion, I thought about my core people.  I wrote down their names.  I thought about all my writings over the past few weeks.  I thought about my thought about sharing it with family.  No, it doesn’t feel right.  Not yet anyway.  Then I got this rush of emotion.  I almost could not sit still.  I thought I would burst into tears. I kept it together.  We were just about to end.  I gathered my things and said good night to everyone.  Then I got in my car and cried. I felt so much appreciation for the people who have accepted me as I am.  And I wanted to tell them. I picked up the phone and started to make the calls.  I reached one person’s voice mail.  Another was in the middle of dinner but would call me right back.  I got home and put my things away.  And then I had an amazing night.   One called back.  I told her what was going on with me and that I just wanted to let her know how much I appreciated her.  We spoke for a little while and she acknowledged how nice it was, that no matter the time, we pick up just as we always have. Then another called.  I told him too, how much I appreciated him for accepting and love me as I am, with all of my stuff.  We spoke for a little while, but would continue more tomorrow night as he was just leaving his office. 

Then I called my sister.  I told her also, how much I appreciated her.  Her comment was that one would think this would come naturally with family.  I told her that I disagreed.  I don’t know if I can expect that other people do this type or level or introspection.  I told her also, that I worry if I ‘dump’ too much onto her and if she ever feels uncomfortable that she should let me know.  She said that she didn’t feel this way.  I felt better that I asked and to hear her response.  Then we continued to talk for hours.  She asked me how I felt about talking with my aunt, someone I had confided with in the past.  I told her that I always felt love and acceptance when I spoke with her.  I just got mad, like a child gets mad, because the last time I confided in her, I felt that my confidence was disclosed when I heard something she must have said about me.  I’ll talk with her again.  I also shared that I thought about sending a short email to everyone saying something like – Hi.  I know you haven’t heard from me in a while.  Been working on some personal stuff.  If you want to know, here’s a link.  We laughed.  I told her that most of my life, I have felt that I have to be concerned with their acceptance, understanding, reactions, before my own, even while I’m in the midst of stuff.  I just don’t want to do it anymore.  Ah, she understood.  Then, perhaps then it is the right approach for now.  Yeah maybe.  It was so late when we hung up.  I still set my alarm to work out in the morning.   When it went off, I knew I wasn’t going to make it.  This morning though, I didn’t beat myself up.  It’s okay.  I am filled with more love for myself.   

Thoughts… Rituals

I attended a service and participated in burning bowl ceremony.  It felt good to write out the things I was releasing and then to fill that void with my vision for my life for this year.  During the service, the leader talked about something I have been thinking about.  Which comes first, thought / intent / will or ritual / ceremony?   

There is a part of me that misses the ‘teaching’ aspect in a Catholic church.  If one is lucky to stumble upon a priest who happens to be a great homilist, then things are awesome.  With incredible music, then it’s even better!   If I only attend that service, then I long for more mental stimulation.  I love the ceremony and rituals of mass.

I also attend a religious science / new thought church.  I love the thoughts, the mental stimulation, contemplation.  If I only attend that service I would miss the rituals and ceremonies.  As the service leader explained there are very  few if any rituals at this church, due to the fact that the leaders believed it was the thought that gave the ritual the power, I sat with openness to see how this would feel to me.   While she was speaking, in my mind I saw a circle, with movement flowing clockwise… at the top, thought and at the bottom, ritual  - and in the middle is Me, my God self.  For me, the power begins from our will, with the ritual providing additional energy and power. I was feeling like I had to choose one over the other.  Perhaps it’s both, and all I need to do is take what is right for me at the moment.