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This morning I wrote out discussion topics to help me clear my thoughts for my discussion with my consulting partner and supervisor.  I spent time clearing my mind, with soft, instrumental, inspiring music on the way to the office.  As we began, I stated the purpose of our meeting and the outcomes that I was looking for.   

We came away from the discussion I believe with some understanding that our desires we the same. 
We also agreed to:
1.       Meet on a regular basis to stay informed and in closer communication
2.       Ensure that I had visibility to over all change activities 

A little while ago, I decided I needed to move.  I want to be closer to my office, quiet, my own space.  My requirements are that I have at least two bedrooms, be able to live there alone, furnished, and for not much more than what I am currently paying, sharing a house.  A lot of people were telling me that I would not be able to find it.  But I kept my intention clear in my mind.  Also, I only wanted to live in certain areas of town that make it convenient to get around and so all those details were in my mind as well.   

I started looking about a week or so ago.  And today, I found one on the internet… a two story, 2 bed 2 bath furnished townhouse, for a little more than what I am paying now!  It’s an end unit in a small community, which is important to me.  The neighborhood seems quiet.  It’s not gated, which makes it easy to get in and out.  And there is a pool and clubhouse that’s nearby.  The unit which faces the woods, so I think it will be very quiet.  There is a spacious tiled patio area, which allows me to sit and read outside.  And parking is just a few steps away.  Wow!  How did I get this so quickly?  I allowed it to happen!  I wasn’t tied to how it was all going to happen.  I just expected that it would all work out.   

Friends were helping me find other people who had unfurnished homes / condos for a reasonable amount of money.  But I recently gave away all of my stuff no longer wanting to store it or move it.  So here we are.  Other things that I have been able to manifest quickly, by allowing it to just happen?… Deciding to be involved in this program, given the time, effort, etc necessary to do it.  I just made time in my life.  Blogging… Initially, I really resisted this.  What I have found is that other people are able to benefit from my writing as well.  Energy Work… I was very resistant to this as I was very concerned about other people’s energy given where I was at the time.  Now?  I have decided to take a course on how to read and assist others in energy clearing.  Wild, huh?  Being loud… ha!  Well, for this one… I think I really had to push being loud.  I spend a good portion of my day.  And now the townhouse!  Since walk / running are now a big part of my weekends, I started looking around for trails that I might follow on my run days.     

What are the steps I walked through to manifest these things into my life?
1.       Acknowledging my fears or resistance
I think this step is very important.  We can’t just pretend that life is rosy all the time, ‘cuz it isn’t.  We have to admit when we are challenged, scared, unclear, sad… all these things.  Sometimes the next best thing for us is something we have resistance to.  This was true for some of the things I listed above.  We also have to be real about our feelings with ourselves first, no matter what they are.  Then we can be real and perhaps discuss these things with people who are close to us, our core.  

2.       Stepping through my fears
Once we acknowledge that we have our fears, or resistance, we need to make a choice.  How do we choose?  Do we decide to stay stuck or move through the fear, even though it feels uncomfortable and uneasy?  Stepping through fears, focusing on ourselves, staying centered, making sure we are not worrying about the reactions of others before ourselves.   Stepping through in the midst of the discomfort is not an easy thing.  We can get angry, be sad, depressed, feel scared, but we take the next steps anyway. 

3.       Practice Seeing It, Doing It
Visualization is a great tool to allow things to come into being.  Our only role is to envision the end… what do we want.  We don’t need to worry about how all the little detailed steps will unfold.  That job belongs to someone up above.  We need to commit to ourselves our true desire through visualization.  Sometimes, I speak it, scream it, dream it, with clear dialog.  Sounds silly?  Yes, I guess.  But who cares if it works! 

4.      
Let go… Allow, Allow, Allow
This sounds easy, but it is probably the most difficult step… especially for those who are a bit on the controlling realm of life.  :o)  We like to believe we have control, but that’s just a myth.  I know when I let go, I am consciously aware that things never really happen according to my timeline.  That’s very opposite of anything most of us have ever been taught in school, in by any ‘success seminar’.   Things to keep in mind…Anything worthwhile is out of our comfort zone.  Our growth comes from us moving through the uncomfortable areas of our life to live with more passion, joy, love.   
Certain things my ego is doing to get in the way
– wanting to be a creative being… my creation is it, why should anyone else need to, want to change it. The personality of the artist is that our creation is perfect just the way it is.  So, in business, this doesn’t sit well with everyone.  Others may have a perspective that they are trying to fulfill. 
– wanting to lead… I’m the leader… follow me… well, what does one expect from a first born child?  Ha, ha…I’ve been doing it this way all my life.  So, when I have to follow, meaning it wasn’t my idea to do it this way, it get in a mood
– ok… catty…
 
– my smart ass look, sigh, eyes, body language… can get in the way of relationships that need to be bridged. 
– wanting to have fun… I’m a fun, playful person.  when things get too serious, especially when I don’t think they really need to be so serious, I want to laugh or do something to break the ice… I suppose this could be viewed as a little bit rebellious.  Some people just don’t get it.  There’s the other part of me that’s also meticulous about certain things that I do.  As I change, I wonder why others are just not following my lead?  (sarcasm… )
– ok, so I suppose there are moments… that I am not so angelic… but I think angels like to have fun.  You know, they are here to help us, and perhaps spice things up a little too. 

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Being uncomfortable with speaking up, and still practicing it is having a voice.  The opposite is also true – Allowing it to flow without me being in control is just as important. It is the dance of opposites.  What makes us uncomfortable, while we test things out, leads us to our strength and growth.  When we pull back and allow, still speaking up as appropriate.  

What is triggering my frustration?  I believe that I have communicated my desires for my work team to perform and communicate differently.  I have asked for direct communication… blah blah blah… I don’t think anyone is listening, responding, yet acting as if they are.  What is my approach to dealing with the situation?  Asking for their expectations – how this team is supposed to work together, each side, to see it for what it is.  How do I do all this and still have fun? I don’t know.  This was so annoying to me for hours and hours!   

How is my ego getting in my / our way?  Yes, of course there’s ego involved!  I know that I have A LOT of energy tied up in all of this.  There is a part of me that understands that I need to let go.  There is another part that is having difficulty actually doing it.   

I had a chance to let go while thinking about the power of prayer.  What is prayer to me?  It is the acknowledgment of the power of God, the Divine.  It is a conversation with God, Jesus, Mary and all of my guardians, and angels.  It is pure connection, the energy of manifesting our desires, it is dreaming and creation, it is connection to my soul, my higher self, my spirit, it is reverence, gratitude, asking, blessing of myself and others… it is conscious thought.   

Conscious thought.  Can we sit and listen, taking the ego out of the way and see our answers?  Can we truly be that open?  Sometimes this can be difficult especially if the answer does not align with how we want things to be.   

How can I commune through prayer and listen without my own bias getting in the way?   I think the more we are unattached to the outcome, the more likely we are able to do this.  I do a few things to clear my mind… meditate, visualize, do my rituals including prayer.  Sometimes I go to places that give me peace – church, me prayer or meditation area, the beach, any place out doors on a beautiful day.  All these things allow me to let go of how things are at the moment, which gives me the space to allow other things to flow into my life.   

Something I have found to be quiet profound, and is such a beautiful gift when I stop to recognize is that we always get what we want.  We pray, have a conversation with our source,  with full direction, specification, and our desires truly manifest. I speak out loud in my visualizations some times.  In full conversation with the images I have in my mind.  Now, I do this when I am alone so no one thinks I am totally crazy…. J  But, I believe that sound brings higher vibrations and energy to our desires.  I can not  

Being as controlling as I was in the past, the one thing I have to remember the most is to let go of the time when I make my requests.  Just because I can not imagine things always happening as instantly, does not mean it is possible.  So I tell my self to remember, that all I desire does not come on my time, but on God’s time.  This little thing, when I let go, allows things to manifest quickly. 

Remembering

Remember, it is during these times that one creates, initiates great change.
As I was walking into the gym David noticed that my energy was down.  What?  I thought I was just fine.  I was trying to be anyway.  What was up with me?  When it comes to feelings, my two extremes are numbness and very emotional.  And I am trying to find a place in the middle, but it feels very uncomfortable right now.  I don’t want to go numb again.  I spent too many years of my life there.  Trust me, it seemed easy.  Push down all of my feelings.  Just get things done.  I was very productive.  I placed my value on it.  I’m not there anymore.  Then I went to another place, very emotional, feel every feeling place… where every Hallmark commercial can make me cry.  I don’t cry as much any more, but it is an odd place.  How do I feel for others, and still be unattached?   

The reason for this sadness?   Family, Work, My desires.  What are the things I want?    To be in a deep, loving, relationship.  To have a family of our own.  To be doing creative, teaching, spiritual work.   

What am I feeling?  Confused, missing my family, sad, alone, yet still thankful for where I am.  I feel like I need to be strong, on the outside, for the rest of the world.  I don’t want to let anyone in right now.  Can I write about the things I want with joy?  Then after I do, scream them out to the universe! 

Perhaps there is no need for detachment right now.  I have to be open to what my higher self chooses it to be.  I want to connect, but only with those I feel comfortable with and only when I am ready.  How awesome it will be when all my desires come to be.  To be able to give myself to another, and he to me.  To create and give such love to our children and have passion for the work I do regularly.  I allow myself to bring these things into my life.  When I sit with the thoughts, the images, the feelings, it is all very beautiful.  My passion will bring all these things into being.   

What do I want to do?  We’re supposed to work out.  I just want to sit.  To be.  To meditate. David led me through a beautiful visualization.  Something that I wish to record, to play again and again.   

Breath in.  Out… Relaxing… Thinking about me and him.. at a place that we enjoy… the beach.  We’re walking. Talking.. Laughing… We love to watch the dolphins.. the birds.  I love looking at him when the sun shines so beautifully, it makes his hair shine.  I love him and he loves me.  We chose each other.  We hold each other closer.  We jump into the water.  We’re like kids together…  We’re at home.  We are holding each other, reading.  No need to fill the time, or air with conversation.  We are each in our space, still connected, no matter what we are doing… We’re in bed.  He’s hold our little girl.  I love watching the two of them together.  I am incredible happy.  I am holding her in my arms, as I am getting ready to do some work.  My life is flexible.  She can be with me.  At times, he even takes her with him.  We are free and we are grounded.  I am living a beautiful dream life!   

I called my aunt last night.  I had been thinking about her, knowing it was time to reconnect.  It’s always nice to hear from her.  She has a way of making me laugh all the time.  She is real and reminds me of who I truly am.  I told her where I was, why I needed to pull away, what I was doing to clear my mind, to fill it with positive thoughts, clear my body to be strong, to be full of positive feelings, releasing all the stuff left over from the past.  She seemed to know, without me even telling her, why I had to pull away.  She asked if I felt that I had enough conversations with my mom.  Probably not.  It was different now.  I understood all that I had experienced from the past, as an adult.  I am working on understanding it, feeling it, processing it as a child.  Perhaps I wasn’t ready for this before.  I had never wanted so much to have children.  I think I knew I would eventually, maybe want them.  However, now the desire to have a partner, and children and family are much more passionate and intense.  I realize that this is why all of these things are coming up now.  So that I can release to allow more in.  I understand it, I am just in the middle of all of it.   

I talk with her about writing.  I told her about the article I read in a magazine about a woman who shared a journal with her mom.  It made them closer.  She suggests I just write, and then decide if I really want to send it or not.  That’s probably good advice.   I spoke with my sister.  We chatted about my discussion with my aunt.  I talked with her about not wanting to feel numb.  She mentions that she does that sometimes… realizing that things are happening around her, yet there are no feelings involved.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing, unless it’s something that we’re avoiding.  It was somewhat of a surprise to hear, as I didn’t think anyone else felt this way.    

I was getting ready for bed, I thanked all my guardians and angels, Jesus, Mary, and everyone above for this time in my life.  I am receiving everything I want… my family, my relationship, our children, our family, my work… I release old thoughts on how I thought things should be and allow all of these things to come to me now.  I AM THAT… I AM GOD…

I saw Hillary and Obama on TV while I was on the stairs this morning.  I could not hear the sound but I watched their facial expressions and gestures.  I thought about my work situation and how much we can read from each other.  It’s a very political place.  

Patience. 
There was an illusion that existed in the past about me being very patient.  All my life, people always told me I was very patient, considerate, conscientious…. If I look at it again, I’m not so sure I can agree.  How can I say this?  I think I was very patient in the past because underneath all of it was the desire to be accepted.  It wasn’t anything that I was conscious of, it just was.  However, being someone who is very creative, there are things that are just part of that personal style.  First of all, I can create quite easily.  I think of something in my head, I may or may not have everything figured out and I just step into it.  I friend of mine always told me that he found it amazing that I can just jump into something, and then think, huh.. no what?  And I just figure it out.   A lot of people have commented to me over the years that I am… ambitious, creative, capable, driven, lucky, conscientious, … all very nice comments… yet all to be accepted.  Actually, when I get an idea, I want it NOW.  Really.  Instantly.  Now.  Sound like a brat?  Yeah.. she laughs… sometimes I can be!  When I have to ‘play nice’, I can do so for a little while, and then I get bored… I submerge my impatience, which leads to passive / aggressive behavior.   

Now, I will fully admit that all this was MUCH easier when I was TOTALLY CONTROLLLING!    Ha, ha, ha… I can tell you, someone, anyone… what to do, how to do it, when to do, etc.   Heck, I was the first born child.  What do you expect?  I learned to do this quite well.  With a smile, coaching, helping, etc. I wasn’t mean about it, unless I was over being impatient.  Then forget it, all bets are off.   If I get to that point when I am totally and completely done, that means, I’ve determined the situation or reason for trying to be patient or work something out no longer exists, the only thing to do is to tell the other person(s) I’m done.  There’s not turning back after this point.  I believe it’s time to spend my time on something else.  The energy, impatience, and all the other emotions connected to ‘the other person not following what I want’ is a waste of my time.   

My hidden and not so hidden impatience may be a cause of resistance from some of the people I work with.  I feel like I have been on this jerky, hurry up and wait, roller coaster ride.  I’m sure my attitude and impatience leaks out of me!  I have to consciously go into meetings and discussions with a pep talk to myself.   

What are the benefits of this acknowledgment? 
Awareness is always the first step to any transformation.  If there is something I want to change, I have to first acknowledge what it is.  Once I acknowledge, then I need to look at it, from the positive and not so positive aspects. I recognize that my impatience can create drama in my life by trying to be someone other than who I am.  And I KNOW WHO I AM.  I can accept who I am with radical self love.   

How did I get here?
There was a time when I needed to be in control of my life because I had no control at all.  Walls of protection came up to keep people out.  It was my form of survival.  I had to become controlling in order to feel safe, live on my terms.  Controlling was easy.  People followed what I said.  I didn’t recognize it until a partner of mine called it out.  He was very observant and told me how he saw other people around me.  They wanted to please me, so they did what I wanted.   

So happens when I things don’t do my way? 
I don’t want to play.  I start to feel anxious.  I can get angry, inside.  I don’t display angry very well outside myself.  Which is probably something else I need to work on.  So, I’m working on letting go.  And as in any change, we move to the direct opposite.  From being controlling, to being what?  
 

My challenge is to be with others, without having to be the center of attention, and just be.

Back to the Basics

Every now and then, I read my horoscope.  This is the one they had for today:  You are on target today with your charm and wit, manifesting the most likable part of your personality. You can accomplish a lot if you work at a high enough level of efficiency, but it might take too much effort to swing into action now. Even if the first steps are uncomfortable, you need to start walking toward your goals. Good times are ahead, but don’t lose track of the more mundane responsibilities.  Given everything going on, I think it is pretty cool! 

This is the one they had for tomorrow:  Your ideas for self-improvement might include taking a class or enrolling in an entirely new course of study. Unfortunately, these plans might require modification when you run into a logistical barrier. This isn’t time to give up, for the apparent obstacle is not as overwhelming as it seems. Strive relentlessly for your dreams; persistence is rewarded one way or another. 

I just keep moving confidently forward the direction of my dreams…. I always loved that Henry David Thoreau quote!               

I’m being called to go back to the basics… of what?
Project planning
Understanding people, with compassion and love
Listening
Letting go of how it is right now
Understanding expectations, tasks, due dates
Team work – Asking people for help, allowing others to assist, offering feedback, giving guidance, leading others
Letting go of the end result 

I’m letting go of control.
I’m allowing others to assist me
I am assisting other people, with boundaries
I don’t have to have all of the answers, or all of the details figured out on my own
I don’t need to feel as if these fall solely on my shoulders
Actions don’t define who I am
My true self is that… I AM THAT… I AM GOD 

How can I take advantage of my position and find joy?
I have a lot of freedom in my role
I have the time to do my morning cardio and afternoon workouts
I have time to get together with David
I have my own office
I have the talent to do a lot of different things well and quickly

 What rituals do I have to help me remember and practice these things?
Give thanks for what I have
Visualize what I want in my life already unfolding
Continue to read and allow more positive thoughts infuse me
Listen for messages that I need to hear and learn
Surrender to things as they are right now 

Do I think or feel that someone feels threatened by me at work?  I hadn’t thought about that.  maybe?  There is a conflict of interest when we work with consultants.  Their role is to be able to show their value by their actions, by their work, contributions.  If we are able to produce quality, quickly, concisely, then it may be a game where they to continue to be or feel they need to work ahead of us, to be able to stay on.  I’ve been giving my thoughts and feedback honestly and getting little in return, or only after the fact after certain meetings, etc.  Who knows what really happens when the returning comments from the meetings leads to meandering conversation.  I had an observation yesterday.  Other people have been commenting about my weight loss and how it was noticeable.  I was having difficulty seeing it myself as I look at myself everyday.  We had a meeting and I noticed someone mention how her clothes were feeling loose.  I chimed in and said that was really good.  This was someone who tells me that she doesn’t have time for exercise.   

Can others feel threatened when I feel confident?  I never really thought about it this way.  This confidence has come so subtly as the quiet, and still part of me gets more and more grounded.  It also comes from not wanting to be so tied into all of this stuff.  The politics.  The competition.  It’s just not the most important thing as others might expect me to feel to think.  What if there wasn’t this race to be ‘whatever’ label?   

How are all of these things in alignment with the teachings of the Bodhisattva?  The avatar who choose to be here, to have this human experience, is in the process of a new experience.  I am in a state of being more aware.  And so, everything becomes so much more amplified!  So, I notice… and then say.. “Ah… lack of response… Ah… resistant communication…” and I must remember to be in it with a compassionate heart – bodhichitta.   I must also remember to have compassion for myself first and then others.  

How can I do this for myself?
When I notice… slow down… say to my self… I AM THAT… I am the bodhisattva practicing bodhichittaI found myself saying to myself I AM THAT the other day… multiple times through out the day.  It was helpful in staying centered, grounded and being compassionate toward others.   /

How can I demonstrate this to myself?
Go someplace – look into a mirror and say… I AM THAT  I am the bodhisattva practicing bodhichitta 

Do I believe others know what they are doing (when they don’t reply or respond, etc)?
I have to believe so as the things I am speaking of are so basic.  Are they acting consciously or subconsciously to block these things?  I don’t know.  It may be things are consciously this way so that someone can feel in control.  There are a few involved.  It’s also me, as I change, some things become clear.  I see things from a different point of view, which is a challenge as I move through the experience. 

What are the sides of me that I want to disown as part of this process?
I find myself with very little patience.  Because these things are so mundane at this point, it is taking too much of my energy to have to deal with it. 
Once I get to a point seeing things as ridiculous in my mind, I become quite a smart ass inside my self. 
A few times I had to have had obvious signs on my face – like you are fu*$_#% kidding me right? – type of look.
Patience only goes so far anymore
This leads to disrespect.  So, I have to reprogram my mind to start new each day, at the next interaction, which ever comes next. 

My life was defined by what I do. 
I feel conflicted at work.  I worked many years in a corporate environment.  Years and years of producing work, doing things, leading me to think that defined who I was.  Then I left the corporate world and went into business.  Then that seemed to define who I was, in my mind.  Then I decided to make another change.  That choice, not fully known to me at the time, is what has led me to this place now.   

The first time I visited Siesta Key, I went on my own.  This was the greatest gift.  I sat down and felt the soft, baby fine sand.  The sun was shining and I could not help but cry happy tears.  I believe my soul knew that I was home.  That beach, that place will always be a magickal place for me!  But like I said.  I didn’t know it at the time, but I was taking the steps to move toward the life I truly desire.  A little while later, I moved to this area.   I made a choice to relocate to be in the warm climate, exactly where my soul knew I should be.   

Moving to a place where we have no close support system is incredibly stressful.  I got immersed in work.  I let it, again, define who I was.  I got involved in community organizations.  I helped other people.  All these things defined me… and yet somewhere along the way, I was getting lost in all the activity.  I had little time for myself, by myself because there was so much to do!  I know that sometimes it’s hard to know what we want until we know what we don’t want.  What’s clear to me now is that I don’t need all those things to define me.  I am who I am, who ever I choose to be at the time.  I am.  And that’s it! 

But back to my work life.   I accepted a position and here I am, in this place now, not wanting to be defined by what I do.  Of course, I see so much of that where I work.  Everyone defining this one or that one by the work we do.   What else could we do?  It’s all that we’ve ever known.  So, what do I do with this awareness?  It is as it is.  Nothing has changed… except for me and my viewpoint.  What happens now?  I have said many times, that I want to work fewer hours, for much more money.  I don’t think that that formula works in a corporate environment.  That being true, what’s next for me? Ahhh… introspection… it always leads us to something else…  

What I was feeling ‘lost’ it was caused by:
– being very busy, involved in a lot of things
– identified my value and identify to my work, my creations, my helping others, etc
– activities with various community organizations 

We have talked about these things in the past.  I knew in my mind that my value was not all those things.  Yet here we are.  This time, things are different because I am doing something different.  I am not doing.  I am slowing down, removing things from my day, my life.  Less activity.  Greater clarity.   

What were the things I did to ‘find’ myself…
– Remove myself from all the people that I knew, spent time with, family, friends, acquaintances
– Pay attention to my feelings… Notice my joy, my happiness and peace
– Be still, quiet, meditation
– Focus my thoughts on the things that are true – I AM THAT… I AM…
– Focus my thoughts and intentions on my desires for my life
– Choosing me over all other things 

Yesterday was so beautiful.  I wanted to take in another few miles to run.  I headed out but this morning was not as nice as yesterday.  I was grateful to have run my miles yesterday.   There was no air or wind blowing.  It was very still.  There was a little dew in the air and it looked like it might rain.  I started to walk my usual path but before I could reach the main road, my glasses were covered with little drizzles of rain.  I headed back home.    

When I got back, I thought that I’d take a shower and get ready to go to church.  After my shower, I laid down for a moment and I huge rush of emotion came over me.  An intense sadness.  I cried and cried.  I didn’t understand it. What is going on?  All I could think about was my family.  I miss them.  I would like to be able to talk with them, if only to tell them there is a part of me that can not talk with them right now.  Not yet.  Not until I am ready.   

So why all this sadness?  I let the tears come.  There was no one else in the house.  I didn’t have to think about anything else.  I cried myself to sleep.  During this time, I had a dream.  I was with my love.  He and I held each other close.  We were happy.  We had a little girl with us, who was also very happy.  I see us, we are laying in bed, with me holding both of them in my arms.   

It was hours later before I woke up.  It didn’t make much sense to me what just happened except that I needed to let go of something deeper to have the things that I want.  The phone rang.  A friend called to tell me about challenges she was having with her father.  As I listened to her, all I could do was think about was how much she and her father both loved each other.  They just did not know exactly how to say, or be it, in a way that the other needed to hear.  I voiced my thoughts to her.  She didn’t want to hear it, but eventually she heard me.  And I thought how perfectly timed that was after my little dream! 

Later in the day, I did a ceremony, meditation.  I burned a candle, with the intention to release and let go of past pains, anger, hurt.  I meditated while the candle burned and I sat, listening for messages come to me. 
– It was part of my path
– Letting go will bring my love to me and me to him
– Someone from the past asked for this in order to stop the chain The last one surprised me. 

A part of me really did not understand.  I did not want to.  And then I allowed it and it was ok.